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“Maybe, Mike, we could go someplace where we can talk.”

  “Whatever you got to say, you can say in front of Jeffy. He’s the man that fucks me every night, my partner, and I ain’t got any secrets from him.”

  “Mike, buddy, can I see ya in the mudroom for a minute.” I pulled him through the door.

  “I know you’re upset and hurt, but please don’t throw our relationship at him to shock him. When you say, ‘this is the man who fucks me every night’, it sounds like I’m nothin’ more than a hard dick to you, or you’re nothin’ more than a hole for me to stick it in. Nothin’ could be further from the truth than that. When we play, it’s an expression of carin’ and commitment. Don’t use it to try and shock him.” He gave me a hurt look.

  “I didn’t think, Jeffy. He really gets me upset. I wanna listen to what he says. Maybe it’ll help me deal with all the baggage I got from him, and because I wanna show I’m the bigger man.”

  “Everythin’ else aside, you are the bigger man, buddy. You know you don’t have to do this. Whatever you want, I’ll back you.”

  “You think I should though, don’t you?”

  “Only ’cause I think it might give you some closure to some stuff that’s been botherin’ you for years.”

  “You’re right about that. That’s the reason I want to go through this. Now let’s go out there and get this over with.” He pulled his head up, got a resolved look on his face, and stepped into the kitchen.

  “Let’s go in the livin’ room.” He walked past his father into the other room. His father got up and followed him. I followed in the rear and sat down next to Mike on the couch. He grabbed my hand and held it in a death grip as he stared at his father with distaste.

  “Say what you wanna say.”

  “First of all, thank you, Mike, for not beating me to a pulp and throwing me out. Your listening to me is certainly more than I deserve. Jeff, I thank you for caring enough about Mike to be there for him and let him make his decision as he sees fit. Whatever happens here, I’m glad that I don’t have to worry about you, Mike. You’ve found a good man, and it’s obvious you two care about one another deeply. I’m happy for you both that you found one another.” I observed Mike’s father as he spoke. Unless he was an incredible actor, he seemed sincere.

  Mike was obviously uncomfortable. He was still squeezing my hand so tight it hurt. I squeezed back, and he loosened his grip. “Just what in the hell made you so acceptin’ all of a sudden?” Mike’s tone wasn’t really inquisitive, more challenging and aggressive. Despite that, I was proud as hell that he was takin’ the high road.

  “I guess I’ve got to go through the whole story of what happened after I made you leave to explain that. When I got back home after taking you to the bus station, your mother, sister, and brother wouldn’t speak to me. I got mad and acted all self-righteous and quoted scripture, saying the man is the head of the family and so on. It didn’t change a thing. Your mother finally spoke to me long enough to tell me that they weren’t speaking to me because of what I’d done to you. It took your not being there for them to finally stand up to me. They wouldn’t go to church at all, and Guy told me he couldn’t believe in God because of me. I tried punishing him and Eve, but they wouldn’t budge, and your mother backed them up. I was worried about how it would look, the minister’s family rebelling against him and not going to church.”

  He laughed a short, mirthless, bitter laugh. “When Sunday came around, I explained why you weren’t there. That Sunday evening the church was fuller than I’d ever seen. Not only our own members came, but it seemed like half the town was there. I was so happily self-righteous. I thought the town was coming to support me in what I saw was a fight against sin.” He shook his head, with an expression of disgust on his face. “I decided again to explain why I had done what I did. When I was done, someone in the back yelled out, ‘Let he that’s without sin cast the first stone.’ Someone else yelled out, ‘He that loves not knows not love, for God is love.’ Then a good number of the people there walked out. I was livid. I found out later, when I got home, your mother, brother, and sister had organized that. They were gone. They had gone back to Louisiana, to your grandparents. There were different editorials in the town paper about ‘God is Love’ versus ‘Standing against sin.’ Everyone in town seemed to have an opinion.” A tear rolled down his cheek. He took a deep breath and continued.

  “When the shock and the anger I felt calmed down a bit, I realized I was reaping what I’d sowed. I treated you as an object of derision, with hatred and hypocritical, self-righteous contempt, and now I was being treated the same way. The difference was that I deserved it, and you didn’t. I resigned as pastor, put the house up for sale, and followed your mother back to Louisiana. She wouldn’t see me for weeks. Finally, when she did, I told her I wanted to make it right by you. I wanted to find you and tell you how wrong I was. She just laughed and said she was sure you would never forgive me. If you don’t, son, I can’t blame you. I had to try, though. I looked for you. Your mother filed for divorce against me. After that, I moved to San Francisco, since that’s where I sent you. I kept looking for you.

  “I found out later that you were in a city-run program for youth at risk, and they wouldn’t give out any information. By that time you were done with the program. You’d moved away from the city. I didn’t know that though, and I continued to search. I sent your mother, brother, and sister reports of where I was looking, what I had learned, everything. In time they began to see I was serious. They started speaking to me again.” Mike had started gripping my hand tighter and tighter. He was staring at his father, his face portraying disgust, dislike, and more and more as his father spoke, pity.

  He paused a second, took a deep breath and continued. “I knew I could never make up for the despicable way I had treated you, but I thought if I could avoid someone else being treated that way, it might help a bit. I joined PFLAG, first as a member, and after a couple of years began counseling parents who had problems accepting their gay and lesbian children. I began meeting with schools to try and bring about some understanding. I used the unforgiveable way I treated you to show others how damaging ignorance and hatred could be. I’d just about given up hope of ever finding you, Mike. Through PFLAG and some other programs which help homeless gay youth, I realized that the survival rate for someone in the position I put you in is not high. Drugs, AIDS, and crime all work together to kill off street kids.

  “I became so depressed with self-loathing and guilt, I started thinking about killing myself. One day Eve was at my apartment, and she saw an Internet article open on my computer, about suicide. She’s in college, studying to be a psychiatrist. She recognized the signs and got me some help. That incident made me even more determined to find you or find out what had happened to you.

  “Just before Christmas, I was in New Orleans for a PFLAG conference and decided to kill some time by browsing in a newsstand. I looked at the gay section and saw you on the cover of a gay travel magazine. I was so excited I let out a shout of joy right there by the newsstand. He began speaking faster. His excitement was obvious. “I bought about ten copies, and the newsstand owner told me the two of you were in several other magazines. There were five magazines in total, and I bought ten copies of each. I spoke to the conference organizers, telling them I had to leave. They knew my story and understood. I drove to your grandparents’ in Thibodaux and let your mother know what I’d found. She, Eve, and Guy were just as excited as I was. The next day I got in the car and drove out here.

  “I know, son, I can never make up for what I did to you. You’ve already given me much more than I deserve, just by listening to me. I do want you to know I realize what I did. The way I acted was unforgivable. I also want you to know just how sorry I am. I can never make up for the pain and hurt I caused you and others, but I want you to know it is something I will deeply regret forever.”

  Mike sat back and took a deep breath. After a few minutes, he spoke, his voice raw with emot
ion and hurt.

  “You know what hurt me the most? I came to you because I respected you. When I realized I was gay, I came to you for help. I thought I could depend on you. Your telling the congregation and the way I was treated was the worst type of betrayal I could ever have imagined. You come in here now, askin’ for forgiveness. You say you’ve changed and you feel bad for what you did. I can understand that. It seems to me you’re sincere in what you’re sayin’, but I don’t know though. You’ve betrayed me deeply.” I could hear the anger building in Mike’s voice as he spoke. By the end of his response to his father, he was trembling with barely suppressed rage.

  “How do I know you ain’t gonna do the same thing again? I’m not sure I can forgive you. To be honest, it’s not somethin’ I’ve thought about much. What you did left some bad scars. It’s just the last few months, meetin’ Jeffy’s dad, my friend Sandy, and Jeffy, that I even realized I’m not some dumb hayseed that’ll never amount to anythin’. Through them, I made some good friends, but this is the first time I ever done that. I never felt good enough about myself to even try. Those are the scars I deal with every day.

  “Like I said, I don’t know if I can forgive you. I still got a lot of hurt and anger bottled up inside me. I’d thought it was goin’ away, but now seein’ you brings it all back. I need to think on this. I need to try and sort out in my mind all this stuff. I appreciate you tellin’ me all this stuff, but I can’t rightly say it’s because I need to hear it to get past all the bullshit you put me through, or if it’s because you’re hurtin’. That’s cold, I know, but I ain’t gonna lie to you. I need to think, and I need some time.” He glared at his father, almost as if he wanted to be challenged and given an excuse to react physically.

  “Mike, I understand. You’ve already been more accommodating that I have any right to expect. I appreciate your letting me say my piece. I’ll head out and let you think now. I’m staying in town, at the Quality Inn, in room two twelve. Please call anytime. I can stay for a while. If you need more time, please take it.”

  “I reckon I would like to talk to Eve and Guy, Mom too.”

  “Do you want to call them, or they can call you, or even come out here.”

  “Can I get back to you on that?”

  “Of course.” He stood up. “I guess the two of you need to talk. I’m going to head back to town.”

  “I’ll call about Mom, Eve, and Guy.” Mike ignored his father’s outstretched hand. A look of pain passed over Mr. Guidry’s face. I did shake his hand.

  “Jeff, thanks for being there for Mike.”

  “Far as I’m concerned, we’re married. I’ll always be there for him.” He said goodbye and headed out. Mike sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. I sat down next to him and put my arm over his shoulders. I didn’t say anything. Finally he broke the silence.

  “Jeffy?” He looked at me and spoke very tentatively.

  “Yeah, buddy?”

  “I feel like my whole world just got shaken up and turned upside down.” I just nodded and he continued.

  “I don’t rightly know what to do. I want to talk to Guy and Eve. I reckon I’d like to talk to my mom, but I’m not a hundred percent sure on that. About him, I just don’t know.”

  “You don’t have to decide anythin’ now, buddy. You know you want to reconnect with your brother and sister. You can give them a call and figure out when and where. Maybe if you see what they have to say, it will help a bit.”

  “Maybe. Jeff, what’s PFLAG? I’ve heard of it before, but I really don’t know what it is or what it does.”

  “PFLAG stands for Parents, Friends/Families of Lesbians and Gays. It’s an organization that reaches out to gay kids and their parents. It provides support for both and tries to work to give both sides some understandin’ of the situation they’re in.”

  “It’s not some religious thing, is it?”

  “No, it provides support and refers folks to acceptin’ religious leaders if they are havin’ problems with their kid’s sexuality, due to their religion.”

  “Jeffy, you reckon he’s tellin’ the truth about workin’ with PFLAG?”

  “I don’t see what he’d have to gain by lyin’. I’m sure you could find out right easy, just by callin’ PFLAG. He said he lives in San Francisco and was in New Orleans for a PFLAG conference when he saw you in the magazine. Call them and ask if they ever heard of him. I reckon if he does work with them, they could tell you a bit about him.”

  “That’s a good idea. I’m so upset, I can’t think right. It’s been one hell of a day. First, I find out I’m HIV negative, so I’m on top of the world. Then I get here and see him. I got so angry, I understand what they mean by sayin’ ‘seein’ red’. Then he acts like a decent human being instead of the monster I remember. I just can’t seem to absorb it all.”

  “Yeah, buddy, that sure is a hell of a lot for one day. I’ll tell you what. How about if I make dinner, we eat, and then have a couple of drinks? I reckon you could use one.”

  “That sounds like a plan.”

  “You wanna keep me company in the kitchen while I cook?”

  “Do you mind if I just sit here? I need to try and sort some of this out.” I gave him a big hug.

  “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.” He turned and faced the picture window. It had been sunny all day, and now dusk was settling in. The world had a blue cast, and the moon was up and almost full. It bathed the snow in a cold, silver light making the frozen landscape look like something out of a fairy tale. Mike and I both love the outdoors, so I reckoned that looking outside on the view would calm him down a bit.

  I headed into the kitchen, but I had no idea what to fix. I had planned on taking Mike out to dinner this evening. I was certain he’d test negative, so I thought a little celebration dinner would be in order. I knew after all he’d gone through today, he’d want to stay home. I finally decided on hamburger gravy over mashed potatoes and some frozen corn. It took me about forty-five minutes to get dinner on the table. I put out a couple of beers for us and called Mike with an old saying from chuck wagon cooks.

  “Come and get it, buddy, before I throw it out.” He came in with a smile on his face. I was really happy to see that. I walked up to him and put my arms around him. I drew him in close for a kiss. We touched tongues and tasted one another with a slow, gentle kiss that spoke of love, longing, hurt, and commitment. As we broke the kiss, I gently ran my hand down the side of his face, over his red beard.

  “That was nice, Jeffy, thanks. The conclusion I came to when I was sittin’, starin’ out the window, is whatever happens with my parents or my sister and brother, I got my family right here. They ain’t gonna change us.”

  “That’s true, buddy.”

  “Tomorrow I want to call PFLAG, and then talk with Guy and Eve. I suppose I’ll talk with my mom too. Do you mind if I spend some time on the phone with them?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I’ll just focus on talkin’ with Guy, Eve, and Mom first. If everythin’ goes well, maybe we can have ’em all out here sometime.”

  “Fine by me. What about your dad?”

  “We’ll see on that one, dependin’ on what they say and what PFLAG says.”

  “That sounds like a good way to handle it, buddy.”

  “Let’s eat now. I really like hamburger gravy and mashed potatoes.”

  We dug in to the food. Mike still had a good appetite and put away a good part of the food.

  “That was good, Jeffy. Much obliged.”

  “I know you like it and thought you probably would appreciate havin’ somethin’ you liked that was comfort-type food.”

  He grinned at me. “You thought I’d need comfortin’?”

  “It did cross my mind, maybe fifteen or twenty times.”

  “You were right.”

  “Let me clean up here, buddy, and we can build a fire, snuggle, and drink some good whiskey.”

  “I’m gonna call and see about talkin�
� to Eve and Guy tomorrow.”

  “Okay, and after that build a fire, and I’ll get the whiskey when I’m done in here.” He headed into the living room. I heard him on the phone.

  When he was done, I got two glasses and filled ’em with ice. I had a bottle of Evan Williams bourbon, which I brought along. I put the glasses on the coffee table and poured a generous measure in each glass. I sat down on the couch, and Mike slid in next to me. He was lying against my chest, and I put my arm over his back. He had turned off the light, so the room was illuminated only by the dancing flames and the silver beams of moonlight through the window.

  “Ice in whiskey? Are you turnin’ into a city boy on me, Jeffy?”

  “Just taste it.”

  “This is real good stuff!”

  “That it is. What’s goin’ through that cute head of yours?”

  “I’m still confused. Part of me thinks I should try and forgive him, and part of me thinks I should just kick the shit outta him and have done with it.”

  “Did you have a good relationship with him before you told him you were gay?”

  “Before he got all addicted to God I did. We were originally Catholic, and he converted and got all enthused about savin’ the world. Before that, I remember him playin’ catch with me and stuff like that. I reckon that’s why I told him I was gay and wanted to change. I thought he’d understand and try to help me.” I squeezed him but didn’t say anything.

  “That’s the thing that hurt the most, ya know? I trusted him, and he ruined my life. All the hell I went through, just because I tried to live up to his expectations.”

  “Did it help, tellin’ him that the worst part was his betrayal?”

  “I don’t know, but it sure felt good to say it and see the hurt look on his face.”

  “How’d you feel when you saw him cryin’ after he heard me talkin’ to you?”

  “Surprised more than anythin’. I reckon in my mind I’ve built him up to some evil monster who can’t feel anythin’ but joy at hurtin’ someone. It kinda threw me for a loop to realize that he feels bad about what he done.” He took a deep gulp of the whiskey. I followed suit.